By Arnaldo Pangrazzi, in Missione Salute Year XXX – n.1 January/February

Saying adieu to someone involves a suffering that varies according to the person that has been left and the relationship that has been established with them. Those who are deprived of that person cannot project a future without this individual who may be a grandfather, a father or a mother, a spouse, a fiancé/fiancée or an intimate friend, a son or a daughter.

Each of the figures listed above represents special roles and ties: when a parent dies the mourning is for the loss of one’s own past because this figure represents one’s own roots, the giver of life, a person who has transmitted love and values.

When one loses a spouse, a fiancé/fiancée or an intimate friend, the mourning is for the loss of one’s present because with these people time was spent, decisions were taken, affection or wounds were experienced, and commitments and challenges were shared.

When one loses a son or a grandson, the laceration is because of the loss of one’s own future because these figures represented one’s own legacy, the fulfilment of one’s own dreams and projects.

Revisting a relationship

For a parent to bury that creature who one day should have buried him or her is a dramatic thing. The inversion of this law of life produces immense malaise.

The laceration of a profound tie provokes various reactions in those who remain behind. Some people are led to absolutise the value of the deceased person with phrases such as: ‘he was everything for me’ or ‘without him life has no meaning’.

Even though some people have for us a profound meaning, one cannot absolutise this value and as a consequence cancel the meaning of one’s own history without the deceased person.

Other people cannot achieve peace of mind about what has happened and are tormented by an infinity of ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’ which deprive their minds of peace, disturbing their sleep, and polluting their spirits. Others are immersed in sadness and emptiness but then they learn to give thanks for what they have received and enjoyed. Lastly, there are those people who regret that they did not spend time with their loved one, that they ignored their needs, that they postponed appointments, and that they did not express their feelings to them.

    I here quote the message of a son addressed to his mother so that it may be a help and an inspiration to those who read it.

‘Yesterday was the saddest day of my life: I buried my mother. When I looked for the last time at her sweet and adorable face and I beheld her grey hair, I was aware that I was looking at her for the last time.

At that moment, very many thoughts came to my mind. How many times with my wife, in the afternoon or the evening, had we taken the children to her so that she could look after them so that we could go to the cinema or to a friend’s party. She never said no, she never allowed herself to say that she had other engagements or projects; or at least I was not aware of them.

One day I promised her that I would take her to the theatre given that she really liked the theatre. But then I forgot to buy a ticket for her.

Once, when we were at the baker’s, I realised that one of her jumpers was rather old and worn out. I promised that I would buy her a new one. I knew that although she needed a new one she would never have asked me for it. But I allowed myself to be distracted by other things and thus it was that she went on wearing that worn out jumper.

I also remember her last birthday. We had sent her a bunch of very fine white azaleas with a card: we are sorry that we cannot be with you on this occasion but this bunch of flowers brings you all our love.

That evening there was a very interesting programme on television and later on we had to go out with our friends…

The last time I saw my mother alive was at the wedding of a cousin; one could see that she was getting old and she seemed tired. So I thought of sending her on a holiday with my brother who has a house at the seaside.

In this way she could have sat in the sun for a while and thus not appear pale. But this was something that I did not do because at that moment I had more important things to take care of.

Now I regret very many things; if I could rewrite the pages of the past I would buy her all the jumpers in the world, I would take her to the cinema and be with her on her birthday. If I could go back, I would send her on a holiday with my brother and enable her to visit all the places that she wanted to go to.

But now it is too late. She is in heaven and my heart breaks because of all the lost opportunities. How different things would have been if previously I had read a letter like this one!’

Credit Youtube: Anathema – Regret (Türkçe Altyazı)