Palliative care does not end with the death of a patient, and this is particularly true when the patient dies in a hospice after a period of admission. Faithful to a vision of holistic care, palliative care continues to take responsibility for the dead person’s family relatives and friends by offering them support.

At the Luigi Tezza Hospice of Capriate (BG) a service is available of accompanying in the management of mourning for those who feel the need for such accompanying after they have lost a loved one.

Forms of management of mourning that arise from the creativity and the love of family relatives and friends who do not cease to remember their loved one, and allow the retrieval of the gift of friendship or important affections with gratitude and gradual detachment, are not rare.

Nazzarena – a friend of mine – ever since she was young had displayed talents as a painter, even though these were rough and never cultivated. Five years ago she decided to refine her talents and enrolled in a painting course together with other friends of hers in order to strengthen ties that had been born during her childhood. She attended the course until a few months ago when an inexorable illness suggested that she be admitted to the Luigi Tezza Hospice for the last stage of her life.

The pain of a loss

I accompanied her during the whole of the period that she spent in the hospice and after her death I thought of how I could conserve the gift of such a great friendship. I had the idea of appreciating her artistic talents by organising a personal exhibition inside the annual art exhibition organised by our town council. Her paintings, which were shown together with those of the companions of her course, made her live once again amongst us: she was one of our group and now she will always be with us through her works!

Remembering her through her art, a form of expression that is unknown to most people, was a way of highlighting one of the many talents that she possessed. For me paying tribute to her and making her known about to the members of our town, before oblivion extended a heavy cloak over her, had meaning. In the paintings of Nazzarena it is possible to rediscover her zeal for life, her passions, and the joy of a simple and peaceful existence. At the exhibition, indeed, many people had an opportunity to discover her talents by admiring an unknown feature of her personality which for years had not been known about.

Nazzarena still lives in the paintings that she produced. Bringing out the positivity of a loved person is a way of being reconciled with their death and allowing this death not to poison one’s life with its bitter chalice! It is also a way of saying thank you to fate for having been able to share with her a stage of her life.

Albeit in the pain of loss, I always feel the living presence of Nazzarena. I know that time will alleviate the pain but in the meantime I cuddle myself with the memory of every moment that I was able to live with her, having the sole certainty of a different presence. In the organisation of the exhibition it was easy to organise everything because I was pushed forward by her living and working presence. In my mind and the industriousness of my hands, it was as if Nazzarena was herself working with me. Physically absent, I felt that she was present and nearby, as had been the case in many other circumstances of our friendship. Doing something, implementing a project, is a way of combatting the temptation of hopelessness or abandonment to depression which can often be the last stop after grave mourning.

The management of mourning

This was particularly true during the exhibition when not only did I have an opportunity to ‘distract myself’ but also to do this by placing a very much loved person at the centre of things. There is nothing more healing than cultivating the memory of those who have left us and of sharing it with other people, without allowing that memory to destroy life.

I thought that forgetting could attenuate the pain. On the contrary: to speak about Nazzarena, to go over the most meaningful experiences with her, and to remember the beautiful moments that we spent together was painful, I admit, but at the same time it enabled me feel the importance of a shared life and to relive its emotion and feelings, and this made me feel better. To sum up, I am discovering that managing mourning with creativity helps me to develop a new relationship.

There is no prescription that applies to everyone in the management of mourning. The task of palliative care, which is an element that defines the quality of mourning, is to continue to assure to those who have experienced the loss of a loved one both support and nearness of such a kind as to make the event of mourning a moment of growth towards new relationships. Specifically for this reason, the task of palliative care continues beyond the end of the life of a patient.

Enrica Deorazio and Luca Perletti